G-D

G-D

Why am I so bad?

All of those great things that I say

I feel like they are condemning me now

I just wanna say sorry

For again this day, this little worm breaks your heart

G-D

Why am I so bad?

People told me that there is grace for me

But I cannot understand

G-D

I feel like everybody is against me

They’ve told me to trust in your grace

But all that I do is trying to please you

With my own hardwork

G-D you know of how a foolish I am

Nothing more that I ask

But teach me the truth

Sometimes I just don’t know

G-D

Teach me how to love

G-D

I’ve messed up everything

I don’t know where to go now

Sometimes it needs miracle just to make me believe

That your grace is sufficient for me

Me

This shameful worm

G-D..

G-D..

YESHUA

Who is this Babe?

That the angels are terrified in awe as HE bent to earth

That the stars high above are speaking of HIM

That the shepherds and scholars bow before

oh that’s my YESHUA

oh that’s my MESSIAH

 

What covenant is this?

That made Gentiles become Jews; not of flesh but of SPIRIT

That made a whore become a saint

That made a worm become a lion

Oh the blood covenant of my YESHUA

 

Oh I wish you just knew HIM

He was not handsome

He didn’t hangout at classy coffee shops

He wasn’t in style

HE IS JUST MY YESHUA

 

HIS people rejects HIM

Oh because HE couldn’t flatter

He speaks what is true

 

 

O G-D

O G-D

I don’t know what is this

You know it’s not beautiful enough to be a poetry

You can call this everything; that would be good

These are just some things that I want to say

 

 

O G-D

Do You know me? Yes You do

I don’t know my self

Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m feeling

And just what I’m thinking about

Glad that You  know me to my innermost

 

O G-D

Sometimes I despise my self

Because I know so little of YOU

I push my imagination, but it doesn’t work

I don’t know what I don’t know G-D

But I just miss YOU!

 

O G-D

I just need YOU

O G-D I don’t want praise of man anymore

It’s so shallow and..You know

Just worth nothing

 

O G-D

I just want to hear YOU say

“Well done!!”

 

O G-D

It hurts

To spend a day without YOU

A lifetime with YOU, my G-D

Is the dream I’m pursuing

But sometimes I forgot

 

O G-D

How can I understand YOUR LOVE?

My mind can’t even measure the vastness of the ocean

 

O G-D

How do YOU see realities?

I wanna see with the glasses that YOU use to see

 

O G-D

I MISS YOU

 

O G-D

How do YOU love the sinners, but hate the sin

Teach me how to LOVE, without compromise

 

O G-D

YOU and ME

 

O G-D

I WANNA BE REAL AND SINCERE

LIKE YOU

 

O G-D

Help me

To never fake anything

Let it be genuine G-D

The way I move my body, the way I put words out of my mouth

The way I lift my hands

The way I glare

Just like the way I breath

 

O G-D

Don’t let me be a foolish

 

O G-D

O G-D

Why never I understand completely;

That nothing else is matter

Than to be with YOU

Enjoying time at the dinning table

 

O G-D

I love to spend time with people

But G-D

You just know that I need to see YOUR face

As much as possible

 

G-D am I spending too much time alone?

I don’t understand G-D

I just need to seek YOU!

Forgive me for leaving my fellow man

 

G-D

Sometimes I jut wonder

Why YOU do the things that YOU do to me

 

G-D

I’m ashamed

That I’m so arrogant

I’m just a worm

But act like I’m a princess

 

You’re the PRINCE

But YOU act lower than a worm

O G-D

Teach me how to think

Teach me how to feel

Teach me how to talk

Teach me how to walk

Teach me how to LOVE

 

 

Why Would G-D Let Us Feel Romantic Feelings?

Have you ever like someone in a romantic way?

After living on this planet earth for 20 years, I don’t experience that kind of feeling so often. And the fact is that I don’t really like that kind of feeling. Sometimes I even hate it. Fiuuhh. I don’t like it when I “like” someone because it makes me dependent on them. Dependent in a different way; like I feel better when they are around and noticing me. That’s a sort of bad kind of dependent. My joy and happiness should not depend on something or someone, but on G-D.

I find out that when I like someone, I feel like I’m not as close to G-D as when I don’t have the feeling. That person takes away my focus and affection. I don’t remember and think about G-D as much as when I’m in the situation where I’m not into someone. That’s why I don’t really like that feeling. I wanna be as close as possible to G-D everytime.

But another thing that I realize is that I cannot control my feeling. Or can I??

For now, I don’t think I can control when will I like someone and when I don’t. The feeling is just come and go. Well maybe it has something to do with my past experiences or my heart conditions or whatt?? I don’t know lah, I just think that it’s so hard – if not impossible – to control my own feelings.

So, sometimes I would ask G-D, why would He let me experience that feeling when it makes me far and think less about HIM.

On one afternoon, when I was so struggling with this, G-D gave me some understanding.

How do you feel when you like someone in romantic way? LOL ughhh* I don’t really like to talk about this stuff * But..we cannot deny our own feelings right? YEP. BUT….HUFFTT..This is just so cheesy!!!! but it’s real, people..okay okay.. #bestrongandbecourageous

It makes you happy just to see him/her around. It makes you happy just to think about him/her. When your eyes meet his/hers, you take a deep breath and you are just so happy for that. When you hear people talk about him/her, you feel happy. You’re so happy when you know you’ll meet him/her at some places and you feel sad when you know that he/she will not be there. You really want to tell him/her everything. And you want to know every details about him/her.

SO..???

G-D wants us to feel that way about HIM. Even more!!

For me personally,  I don’t experience that kind of feeling so often. And I have no experience of in a really close and intimate experience with someone. That’s why, recently, I feel like G-D is teaching me that such feeling of closeness does exist and HE WANT ME TO FEEL THAT WAY TO HIM AND EVEN MORE!!

He wants me to desire HIM more than I have before. He wants me to be so dependent on HIM more than I have before. He wants me to value the time that I spend with HIM more than I have done before. He wants me to miss Him more than I have done before. He wants me to want HIM more than I ever want HIM before!!

IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM.

SO, to experience that kind of feeling is not that bad though, G-D is using it to teach me something so precious.

 

SOME THOUGHTS FROM A WEBSERIES: SORE – ISTRI DARI MASA DEPAN

..please don’t mind my broken English..

Nope, i’m not trying to make a movie review. I’ve never done that and I’m not an expert in doing that. Just try to process what I’ve just seen and try to make my thoughts structured.

Well. I have no class today, no agenda, and I just want to find out what’s happening in the world. And so I open Youtube and click recklessly until I found this webseries from Tropicana Slim (and Indonesian low-calorie and sugar-free brand). The title is: SORE – Istri dari Masa Depan.

Here’s the link:

SO, it’s a webseries; and there are 8 videos in it. It has good graphic, good cinematography, good dialogues. When I scroll the comments, people seem to love it. Most people would say that this webseries is so different with Indonesian usual TV series with cheese, dramatic and sometimes unrealistic stories. People loves the story and the plot. And so many people said that they’re waiting for the cinema version. (not sure if it’s the right term, hope ya understand!).

SO WHAT DO I THINK?

I agree with most of the comments. It’s a good webseries. I’ve never watched a webseries before, so yeah, I don’t really have an equal comparison, but I can say that it’s a good one. I don’t feel like I’ve wasted my time after watching it.  I like the cinematography, I like the melancholy. But most of all, I love the meaning that’s hidden in between the dialogues and the over-all story.

Okay. Let me tell you how the story goes.

So, there is an Indonesian young guy who lives in Italy (which city? I don’t know). His name is Jonathan. Joe is that kind of sad and emotional guy. He lives alone and reckless. He drinks alcohol, smoke cigarette, drink soda, eat unhealthy foods, sleep overnight, and not doing regular exercise. Trust me, these informations are vital to understand the message of the webseries.

Suddenly, there is this girl name Sore, come to his house and claim to be Joe’s wife from the future. Sore told Jonathan about their life in the future. They’ll get married 2 years after that scene, have one son and Jonathan would die (young). Considering the image of Tropicana Slim, I think Joe would die because of diabetes. Remember how the movie highlighting the unhealthy life he had. Sore tries to help Joe live a healthy lifestyle because she know what would happen to Joe in the future. And it broke her heart ad ruin her life when Joe would die young and leave her with their son, Fajar.

SO WHAT ‘S THE MORAL OF THIS MOVIE?

Do routine exercise? Don’t sleep overnight? Eat healthy foods only? Change your lifestyle in to a healthy one so you won’t get diabetes and die young? Or…change your unhealthy sugar in to Tropicana Slim?

WELL..maybe that’s the messages  the movie makers want to convey to the viewers. Maybe not. I’m not sure though. But here’s what I learn from the movie.

  1. LIFE IS SHORT, DEAD COMES SUDDENLY AND ETERNITY IS LONG.

I love this movie because it reminds me that death is real and sure. I can’t deny it. No one can! 10 out of 1o died! It’s just a matter of time. Everyone will die and leave everything behind someday. No matter how of a super healthy lifestyle you have, you will die someday. I don’t mean to say that living a healthy lifestyle is of no importance. NO. IT’S IMPORTANT. BUT IT’S NOT THE SUPREME MESSAGE WE CAN GET FROM THE MOVIE. It’s about death. Mortality.

I don’t know why so often I forgot this fact about humanity. This morning when I woke up, death never comes to my mind. When I open my eyes, I just think about the day of live that will come. I just live my life the way I want to, without considering what would happen to me after death.

2. I WILL NOT WASTE MY YOUTH

Youth is such a great gift from G-D. It’s the time when you are free to do things, energetic and full of passion. I just turn 20 this year. And I’m so grateful that I’m young!

BUT WHAT IF I DIE YOUNG??

It’s totally possible. I can die anytime. Jonathan die young. In his 2os probably. Watching this movie has helped me to realize that I have a really short time in this earth. Who knows, maybe I only have 1 or 2 years left. G-D knows.

That makes me desiring not to waste my time anymore. I have a great mission in  my life. IT IS HARD, GLORIOUS, MASSIVE AND GREAT! G-D has give me some amounts of time to finish that mission. I will live for that mission! BY THE GRACE OF GOD I WILL ACCOMPLISH THAT MISSION.

While watching the movie, a phrase came to my mind: Laborer of the Gospel.

Yes, that’s what I want to be in my youth. I want to labor for the gospel. Before I died (be it due to diabetes or not), I will not waste my youth for the things that has no eternal value. In my youth I will strive to let the name and the glory of my KING known.

Apa Kabar

*sometimes i just wonder if there is people who read this post other than my self in the future. HAHA! Maybe not. So Renta let’s just write for yourself huh?!

APA KABAR?

wooohh it’s been a while since the last time I wrote in this blog. I miss doing this – to just sit down, relax and contemplate on everything that God has done in my life so far.

Life has been great! Crazy!! God has been great! He has bring me this far!! #can’t help my self from menghela nafas after menulis ini. Indeed, life has been amazing. God has been great all through this times.

I’ve met so many people and they have teach me so many things. I’ve felt new feelings. Some are fun and some are not, but all of them had helped me to grow. I’ve experienced and still experiencing new challenges.

I have seen new things about HIM, my YHWH, my bestfriend, the lover of my soul. HE IS JUST SO GREAT! UNDESCRIBABLE. I WANT TO STAND ALL NIGHT SINGING PRAISES FOR HIM. NOT BECAUSE I;M SUPER SPIRITUAL OR WHAT. IT’S JUST FEEL SO GREAT TO BE WITH HIM AND ADORE HIM AND PRAISE HIM.

There are just so many things I want to write here but it’s so hard to start hoffftt.

Hmm..